Post Partum...Well sort of
Last night I was watching Nick-at-Nite and it was that Cosby episode where Cliff dreams he is pregnant along with Elvin, Theo and Martin. Its a very funny episode, it makes fun of how women and men react to pregnancy. But, it also reminded me of my labor and delivery and how I didn't get to experience what most mothers do.
Now, I know that many women are probably yelling about how lucky I am at this point. But, the hardest part is, that I will never experience those things. Because of complications with my labor, I can no longer have a "natural birth," I will always have to schedule C-sections. Having Gracie was the most wonderful thing to happen to me...but the operation was planned, the induction was planned...there was nothing natural about it, and it has left a small hole in my life.
You may think its silly, but Garren and I didn't get to coach each other through labor pains, and load up and head frantically to the hospital. We missed out on that anxious/excited feeling you get when you know "it's time!" Garren didn't get to catch the baby or cut the cord. They didn't put Gracie on my chest. I didn't get to complete labor and feel that euphoria after working so hard for something and reaping the reward.
Don't get me wrong. There was plenty of anticipation, but it spanned over 3 days as I waited, and waited, and waited for the medicine to force me to go into labor. And it increased for the four hours I tried with all my might to push. And then, anxiety became fear when the doctor said they would have to take her out by operation. Of course at the time I was so drugged up, that my fear was mixed with swirling lights and sounds.
I guess there was just something missing. I read about a year after Gracie's birth, that it is very common for mothers who have their babies by C-Section to feel a sense of loss. That there was something incomplete about the whole process. Gracie was a year old, and so I don't remember the advice they gave to overcome it--but I recommend any one who has to undergo a C-Section to find out. These days many, many more obstetricians are recommending normal births following C-Sections. Unfortunately while pushing, I tore my cervix and uterus and other sensitive parts making it dangerous for me to try again.
These feelings are some that are at the back of my mind, but they swell up when I see something that reminds me of what I didn't get to experience. But, writing it here seems to have helped. Having a C-Section is not a bad thing, and it may not leave you with the same feelings I did. For many having a baby this way is a great relief--no pain, and everything is over in about an hour or two. But, I recommend talking about your feelings afterwards, and discussing the possibility of having a natural birth with your doctor the next time you conceive.
***Picture is from OR, when I got to see Gracie for the first time, she was already cleaned up and wrapped up, and yes she is sticking her tongue out!!! This is my first memory of her!!!***
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