Doesn't Play Well With Others

My mother would agree with that statement. Well, maybe not about me as a child, but about me as a mother.

When Gracie, Thomas and I went in this weekend to Lynchburg we discussed a mother who wouldn't let the baby's paternal grandmother see the child for any length of time. I sympathized with this woman I didn't even know, because I remember those days after Gracie was born, and for more than a year later where I couldn't physically let her go. I didn't let anyone else hold her, or care for her. And, while I shared pictures and emails--that was about all I shared. Visiting family was painful for me, because they kept trying to take her and hold her. Some asked, some just reached for her and took her from my arms. And I was even told/threatened before that I had to let her be held by them. Those were incredibly painful times for me.

Now that I am a mother of two, things aren't as hard as they once were, but I still remember the nightmares I would have about someone (usually someone I knew) coming and taking Gracie away from me. I wondered if I would have the same debilitating nightmares after have Thomas. I was relieved that I didn't. But, I felt for another friend who recently gave birth that was now dealing with those nightmares. I wish I had known 5 years ago that they were "normal," and that I wasn't the only woman to go through that. And, I hope that I was able to help that new mother in the way no one could help me.

But, back to sharing. I have blogged before about how I don't allow other people to take care of my children. If we visit friends or family I always feed, or dress, or bathe, change, burp, etc my children. Apparently this hurt my mother's feelings, though she didn't tell me until this visit! Other places we go no one asks to or wants to, so as far as I know I haven't insulted anyone else. Honestly, this is not due to my lack of sharing. This is another of my many "issues." I just don't think people should have to take care of, or clean up after my children. They are solely my responsibility.

Now I find myself kind of back in those days of not wanting to let go of my Gracie. I feel like I have let go of so much in the past few days and months. I had to let go of my responsibilities as Gracie's sole caretaker when I went in to the hospital to have Thomas. I had to rely on someone else to take care of my precious child. Then, I had to let go of all of the fun things I did on a daily basis with Gracie. With a newborn and severe pain that lasted for so many months I was limited in my abilities and my energy. Then I had to let someone else provide for her safety and transportation as she boarded a school bus. And, then the pain of letting my daughter go for 8 hours a day and leaving her sole care and well being in the hands of strangers!

I have let go of a lot this year, and I find myself being very selfish with my moments, my pictures, and my time with my children. I don't blog as much, hoarding all of those many wonderful moments to myself. I don't post pictures any more, unwilling to share their smiles and their accomplishments and how much they have grown. I am tired of sharing. I give and give to my family, and I would like to think I give to my friends and neighbors. But, I am going through a time where I don't want to let anything else go. Those are my smiles, and my songs, and my achievements.

My mom is none to happy about my new selfish phase. She gets to see her grand babies so rarely, and now I haven't even sent pictures for a while. She adores them, and despite my "temper tantrum," she still calls them, and writes to them, and sings to them, and even visits. It will take a lot more than irregular blog posts to ever sever the devotion she and my father have to my children. But, the guilt has gotten to me.

I am vowing to do better. I am not making promises, but will try my best to share.

My Thomas lights up so many faces on a daily basis and he needs to be shared with those who can't see him everyday. And my little angel is growing up more and more beautiful inside and out, and she needs to shine in the hearts and eyes of those who don't see her everyday either.

So, I will try. I am not ready to allow my husband the request of taking our infant son 6 hours away for 5 day by himself, but I will work on my many issues. In the meantime, think of me as the cute cuddly mommy bear who loves her cubs to pieces. You can come and visit and take lots of pictures and you may even get me to let you pet one of their heads, but don't dare try to reach up and snatch either of them from my arms!

3 Responses to "Doesn't Play Well With Others"

  1. Grandma and Grandpa11:18 AM

    You are right. Although you (and some others) may love them the same as we do, no one could love Gracie and Thomas more than Grandpa and Grandma!

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  2. I can definately sympathise with you. I always had a hard time letting go of my children too. Exspecially when they were younger and had a father who wasn't active in parenting. They were all mine, and I was all theirs. That is a big part of why I homeschooled for so many years. Even when your brother and I married (and I can honestly say he is the first man I have ever trusted) I struggled with sharing my children with him. On occasion I still feel weird giving him so much responsiblility, but they are his now too. Even your parents were a bit of a shock as the children have never had active grandparents before. But I really am learning it does take this type of village to raise good, productive, independant children. They need the love and guidance of Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle, Cousins, friend and neighbors. You aren't being negligent in allowing others the priveledge of caring for your children. You are giving others a small taste of the love and joy you experience, and your children a strong network of people who love and care for them. You are so lucky to have so many people who love and care for you and your children. I know it is hard, but I promise, it gets easier as they grow. They will always need you as their number 1 resource (except for a brief time in their teen years when they will deny that need with all thats in them, while wanting it in their hearts more than they would ever admit!) Just be glad we don't live too close, because I would probably drive you crazy trying to snatch them up!

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  3. you dont have to play nice. theyre yours and you dont have to share if you dont want to.;-)

    ReplyDelete

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