Saturday, April 10, 2010

Time To Pause And Reflect

Well, maybe not "Then End," but at least "on hold."

I have decided to take a much needed break from blogging and Facebook and focus on...well, I am not sure. There seems to be so many things. I look at the mirror and I don't like who I see. I have never liked how I looked physically, but for more than a year now, it has been so much more than my physical appearance.

I think the final straw for me was the realization that I am not happy with the "mother" that I am.

This blog is my way of showing off my children to the world. The only problem is, when you start putting your children at the center of attention, you had better take a closer look at what you are so proudly showing off.

In the beginning I took all sort of critism on how I parented Gracie. I coddled her too much, no child should have that many dresses, what an embarrassment for any child to have that many toys....the list goes on. I took all of those digs at my ability to parent, and while I would like to say they "bounced off" I would be lying. But, it was easier then to roll my eyes and keep going. She was little and cute and I was proud as a mother could me.

But, now my role as a parent is no longer what foods I let them have, how I handle bedtimes and if I shelter them too much. Now, my Gracie is becoming quite a young lady, and I have to teach her how to be the best person she can be.

I look at her with so much love in my eyes, and with blinders of pride. Now, I start to notice in so many ways how I have failed her.

Bragging about the many talents and accomplishments of my children doesn't do any thing for anyone, but me. I was so proud of all the things that she did, I wasn't looking at what I should have been doing to be a better mother.

To say that this past 14+ months have been a roller coaster is an understatement. I am struggling internally so much, and I have decided I have to take time and a long hard look at myself and figure out what I am going to do for the next 12+ years of my life.

This morning I looked in the mirror as usual with a HUGE helping of self-doubt. And by the afternoon a simple sentence from someone else made me look at myself with a whole new level of that self doubt. A level that finally implored me to stop and figure it out.

Until a year ago, I was sure that my purpose in life was to be a mommy. I was certain that was what I was meant to do and to be, and to be the best I could at it. Now, I wonder.

Not about being a mommy, that has been the best gift I could have ever been given. But, what am I supposed to do with that "gift?" Where do I go from here? How can I change this emptiness inside of me?

I have a lot of things to think over. And glossing over all of that turmoil with sappy stories about Gracie and Thomas, which clearly lack the reality that not everything is happy and perfect, is not helping anyone. Least of all those who matter most: Gracie & Thomas.

So, I thank you for reading, and hopefully someday when I figure it all out, I can come back to my blog happy and healthy.

In the meantime, don't panic I am not crawling in a hole somewhere and dying. I will continue to check my email since the school uses that to communicate with me, as do most family and friends.

I am starting to like the idea of moving to Richmond in a few months. It will be nice to start all over again. I can't erase everything that has happened up until now--and I don't want to. But, to be able to walk in where no one knows me--that has great appeal to me now.

Thank you again for caring so much to keep reading, and commenting and just being interested in our lives.

Much Love,


Amy said...

So.... let me start by saying, DONT GIVE UP BLOGGING!! not that I don't understand, because i totally do, but for your families sake, dont give up blogging. start a new one or go private and dont give the password to anyone, but for your sake, this is your journal, and your kids (much later) would love to conitune the journal, so if you quit blogging, make sure you write it elsewhere, bc i speak from experience, i have missed so many stories bc i didnt write it down immediatly, and you have stored so many wonderful memories for life! second of all, did you know you can take your blog and turn it into a book? email me if you are interested but it is really neat, and a hard bound book. I will be emailing you a more private letter for the rest of this...

mamaw and papaw said...

Barbara, I have so enjoyed your blog. There have been bad days and then I would take time to check the blog and my whole outlook on the day would be brighter. You and your family are such a great blessing to both of us. I completely understand if you can't keep up the blog but please keep in touch. It's going to be really hard not seeing my precious grandchildren grow. We love you all very, very much!a

Grandma and Grandpa said...

Please don't stop "Blogging". :( Grandpa and I (and many others who have told us) really enjoy reading about things going on in your families' lives - of course especially Gracie and Thomas :).
I have been so glad you introduced us to your blog (I know we were tough students to teach how to use it). Although we wish we could be with them every day in person, your blog helped us to have a little glimpse into their lives. Please know we look forward to reading the blog. Sometimes we would be smiling and nodding, other times feeling sorry or sad, lots of times laughing. I have to admit, we even read your entries and watch the videos more than once :)
I also know other (of our) family members do the same :)
I think the blog is is a great "family diary". Think of our precious family members who have already "gone home". Wouldn't it be great to be reading about things they had written or recorded about their everyday life? Your "book" would be a cherished someday.
I like the suggestion of just letting those of us who love your family (our children and grand children) continue to enjoy reading about your lives.
Please think about this more before making a final decision.

Of course the alternative would be: MOVE NEXT DOOR TO US :)
We love all of you!

hp said...

BJ - thank you for sharing your family with all of us so frequently! I enjoy reading your adventures and seeing the kids grow and change and learn. I second what Amy says about making sure you keep journaling somewhere...

And DON'T give up on yourself or be so hard.

I hope that Richmond holds many wonderful experiences for you and the family. You're all going to learn so much.

Dawn said...

Barbara, I just want to encourage you to keep on blogging. I am not good at picking up the phone and calling you , and we haven't had the opportunity to really establish our relationship yet, but I love you and your family and enjoy keeping up with you online. You are a wonderful person (INSIDE and OUT) and shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I can relate to how you feel, but let me tell you NO parent will ever have it 100% right. Our children learn from our mistakes as well as our accomplishments. Every child is as different as every parenting style we use. You are so talented. Don't bury that talent in the ground. While being a parent is most definately one of the greatest gifts in life, there is more to us than just being parents. You have done and are doing an excellent job. Sounds to me like you need to not worry about others opinions and comments and just stay true to yourself. God intrusted those children to you, not to family, friends, or casual acquaintances. Be proud of your success as a mom. Learn from and move forward from your mistakes. Guess what? With each new stage we will continue to excell in some areas, and really mess up in others. No one is perfect. I think you should keep blogging. And not just about the children, but about your thoughts, feelings, and your life in general. There is so much more to you than just a mom. And if in this busy time you cannot see that, I can. I will be praying for you and if you ever want to talk give me a call.