Saturday, April 10, 2010
Time To Pause And Reflect
Well, maybe not "Then End," but at least "on hold."
I have decided to take a much needed break from blogging and Facebook and focus on...well, I am not sure. There seems to be so many things. I look at the mirror and I don't like who I see. I have never liked how I looked physically, but for more than a year now, it has been so much more than my physical appearance.
I think the final straw for me was the realization that I am not happy with the "mother" that I am.
This blog is my way of showing off my children to the world. The only problem is, when you start putting your children at the center of attention, you had better take a closer look at what you are so proudly showing off.
In the beginning I took all sort of critism on how I parented Gracie. I coddled her too much, no child should have that many dresses, what an embarrassment for any child to have that many toys....the list goes on. I took all of those digs at my ability to parent, and while I would like to say they "bounced off" I would be lying. But, it was easier then to roll my eyes and keep going. She was little and cute and I was proud as a mother could me.
But, now my role as a parent is no longer what foods I let them have, how I handle bedtimes and if I shelter them too much. Now, my Gracie is becoming quite a young lady, and I have to teach her how to be the best person she can be.
I look at her with so much love in my eyes, and with blinders of pride. Now, I start to notice in so many ways how I have failed her.
Bragging about the many talents and accomplishments of my children doesn't do any thing for anyone, but me. I was so proud of all the things that she did, I wasn't looking at what I should have been doing to be a better mother.
To say that this past 14+ months have been a roller coaster is an understatement. I am struggling internally so much, and I have decided I have to take time and a long hard look at myself and figure out what I am going to do for the next 12+ years of my life.
This morning I looked in the mirror as usual with a HUGE helping of self-doubt. And by the afternoon a simple sentence from someone else made me look at myself with a whole new level of that self doubt. A level that finally implored me to stop and figure it out.
Until a year ago, I was sure that my purpose in life was to be a mommy. I was certain that was what I was meant to do and to be, and to be the best I could at it. Now, I wonder.
Not about being a mommy, that has been the best gift I could have ever been given. But, what am I supposed to do with that "gift?" Where do I go from here? How can I change this emptiness inside of me?
I have a lot of things to think over. And glossing over all of that turmoil with sappy stories about Gracie and Thomas, which clearly lack the reality that not everything is happy and perfect, is not helping anyone. Least of all those who matter most: Gracie & Thomas.
So, I thank you for reading, and hopefully someday when I figure it all out, I can come back to my blog happy and healthy.
In the meantime, don't panic I am not crawling in a hole somewhere and dying. I will continue to check my email since the school uses that to communicate with me, as do most family and friends.
I am starting to like the idea of moving to Richmond in a few months. It will be nice to start all over again. I can't erase everything that has happened up until now--and I don't want to. But, to be able to walk in where no one knows me--that has great appeal to me now.
Thank you again for caring so much to keep reading, and commenting and just being interested in our lives.