What I am about to say will either shock you, or you will nod you head in validation.
My children...embarrass me.
Yes, I said it. I am the absolute worst mother ever. What mom gets embarrassed by/with her children?! I mean kids are allowed be embarrassed by their parents, but I am sure there is something some where in the Bible that says "loveth at all times and don't turn a million shades of red when your off spring mess up."
Here's another shock: this isn't the first time I have wanted "to die" thanks to something my kid did or didn't do. So, I am a habitual breaker of some parenting embarrassment rule of law.
Now, being the neurotic that I am, I couldn't just be embarrassed. I decided to cover my embarrassment with an "I don't care at all about it" attitude that my friend Grace totally didn't buy for a second. And, then I spent FIVE hours making sure that I wouldn't be embarrassed again in the next week or so.
Like any one ever comes to my house.
I am always embarrassed of the house. If it isn't messy (which I try really hard to keep it straight--really hard), it's worn and so out of style that it was never stylish in its life time.
Being a cheap person, I have filled my home with cheap furniture that we use until it literally falls apart. We rent so I can't really do a lot of decorating, but what I have done can be characterized as "charming" and "simple." Now that we have visited other homes, and we were on the hunt for our own home, coming back to my eclectic, borrowed, hand-me-down, thrift store decor is looking pretty dumpy.
But, lets go back to "mess."
As a mom, I can NEVER seem to keep this place clean and neat all the time. I pull my hair out trying, but something is always still left to be done. No, let's be real: it's been left to be RE-done.
On an average day I can be sure that the downstairs is in pretty good shape, but I leave the kids rooms to the kids. Once upon a time I was obsessive about Gracie's room, and lets just say that I had to walk away. I.had.to.walk.away.
So, Friday, a snow day, Grace and her kids come over and of course the house is a disaster as my kids have been home from school for 2 days and Garren is working from home now and there is never a traffic-free moment to catch up laundry and dishes and dirt piles. But, to make it worse, Emmy wants to go and play in Gracie's room.
I can't show you pictures of my daughter's room 1) because the Health Department might investigate us 2) I am embarrassed enough that one friend saw it (and, she hasn't been back since, I may never see her step foot over my threshold again! ;) and 3) I didn't snap a picture--I just jumped in and started angrily digging.
She's 11, and she should be able to keep her room clean. It isn't that large, and it isn't that hard. But, she has no desire to keep it clean and neat, so she doesn't.
I wanted to die. And, warn the 3 year old not to get lost in there because we may never find her again!
So, I attempted to cover my severe embarrassment and I chatted with Grace while the kids played. And, after they left, I spent FIVE hours making sure that it would never look like that again. Yup, five hours.
No, this isn't the first time I have cleaned it up.
No, this isn't the first time it took me many, many hours.
No, this isn't the first time she or her room embarrassed me.
No, this isn't the first time someone else has seen it looking like that.
No, this isn't the first time a LOT went out in a trash bag from frustration.
But, this is first time I am publishing my journey. The journey to accept my kids as they are. People, I struggle VERY hard with this. Especially with Gracie. I want her to be something she is completely not. I want her to be everything I envisioned when I first held her in my arms, but she won't be. I want her to be perfect, but she can't be. I want her room to always look like this, but it will not.
So, I'll keep praying. And working to the day that my children no longer embarrass me.