Monday, August 31, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today started the first day of what I deem will be the second hardest week of my life. Next Monday, will start the hardest week of my life.

I have commented to friends, family, and even in my Facebook status about how hard of a time I am having letting go. Sometimes I offer the information, and sometimes I am asked, but my answers are consistent: "I don't know how I am going to do it."

I would like to say that I have found a fountain of support for my predicament, but I have been mostly met with understated "I am sorry," chuckles of how silly I am being, or the ever present "she will do fine."

I know she will do fine, and I know that this isn't really about me. But, unfortunately I am human, and what happens around me, also happens to me.

And no one understands.

I know every hair on her head. I can tell you what she ate for breakfast and how many snacks she has asked for today.

But, I don't want to let her go...and no one understands.

I know every bruise on her body, every scar, every scrape.

But, I can't band aid my own heart...and no one understands.

I know how she likes her sandwiches made and cut. I know the answers to her silly jokes, and what she wants to watch for Family Movie Night.

But I have cried night after night....and no one understands.

I know her favorite foods, her favorite books, her favorite shows and movies.

But I have to let a stranger have her all day....and no one understands.

I have been there every minute of her life. I know her likes and pains and what makes her laugh and cry.

But, I have to put her on the bus.....and no one understands.

I taught her how to have a tea party, how to dress herself, how to brush her teeth. I taught her silly songs, how to count, and how to cut a straight line.

But, I have to hand over my teaching reigns...and no one understands.

No one knows the heartache that I can't help but feel. No one knows my tears, and how much I already miss her--and she isn't even gone yet. No one will know how empty this house will be and how lonely my days will be with out my sunshine. No one will know the worry I will feel each morning as I watch her climb the bus steps, and the relief I will feel when she climbs back down each afternoon. No one knows how close I am to my daughter and how she has never left my side. No one will know my undying love for her, and the pain that will come when I have to walk away from her for the first time, unsure of what lies ahead.

And, no one ever will.

So, as I head in to the next several days to get excited for her as she takes this next journey in her life, I will continue to paint on my smile, and cry in my pillow at night. I will worry, and hate the silence, and far from gracefully I will push on through the pain.

I am a good mommy, I am a devoted mommy, I am loving mommy, I am a fun mommy. And, I am mad at myself for letting so many well meaning "friends" make me doubt that.

I am Gracie's mommy, and I don't want to let go. But, I will....and I can cry if I want to.


Cheryl said...

The day I put Garren on the bus for his first day of kindergarten, I went back inside and sat on his bed and held his teddy bear, "Nutch" and I cried like a baby. When I couldn't cry any longer, I prayed, oh how I prayed. I finally realized God loved him more than I ever could and somehow God allowed me to have the strength to place Garren in His hands. I still worried but I always remembered who was looking after him. We will be praying for you as you make this big transition.

Jackie Bailey said...

I cried like a baby when I took Chip to his kindergarten class. I did manage to hold it back until he walked into the classroom.. then I cried all the way to the car.. and had to sit in the car for a couple of minutes to control myself. Imagine how I cried he we dropped him off at college!

Aunt Heather said...

You have every right to do it unashamedly, and not worrying about what anyone else thinks about it. You are a fantastic mother, and no one will ever be as good with Gracie and know her as well as you do...and you love her SO much that it's hard to turn her over to someone else. I know this and have been through this. I do understand. But I... Read More also know you are strong as well, and you will get through hard as it is. (And crying does not diminish your strength at all!) So cry as much as you need to! And know that I'll be praying for you : )

Aunt Sharon said...

I wish every little girl could have a loving mother such as you. This world would be a much better place!!!!!!!

Becky said...

If it wasn't this hard, it wouldn't be this worth it. Hugs!

Candice said...

I'll certainly be saying a prayer for you next Tuesday morning! Just wait until Gracie can't see you and cry like a baby. Just be thankful that she isn't crying. I have seen soooo many over the years that cry all day long for weeks on end. I was one of those kids. She will be so excited to see you after school and tell you all about her day! You will survive! I promise!

TwinsanityMom said...

So sorry I have been slacking in the blogger and email world. I do and I don't know what you are going through right now, on one hand everytime I leave the kids with someone all I can think about is them until we return. On the other hand, mine are not old enough to go to school yet so I haven't felt the ache of them being away constantly yet. I hope that these next few days turn out not be as tough as you are anticipating and that you get to enjoy the one-on-one time that you are going to get with Thomas. Maybe this would be a good time to focus on doing some things just for you. (I bet you could sell some of your fabulous bows on etsy ;)) Believe me I know how hard it is for a stay-at-home mom to focus on herself a little but in the end it is worth it for the entire family. Please let me know if you need anything and try to enjoy the holiday weekend.

Travis, Heather, & Tyler said...

I don't know how I missed this entry. What an amazing mother you are. Gracie (& Thomas) are such lucky children. And you know that Gracie will flourish and thrive in her new class. Hugs!!!

Mom said...

Yes, we do understand.I still remember you going to "big" school for the first time. I'm not sure who was worse: me or Brian. It was the same when you went to middle school, and high school. Then, when you went to college in Tennessee, we all knew we had to be strong. I just really hope that when Gracie gets older, she will never reject you. That is really the toughest to handle. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.