Today started the first day of what I deem will be the second hardest week of my life. Next Monday, will start the hardest week of my life.
I have commented to friends, family, and even in my Facebook status about how hard of a time I am having letting go. Sometimes I offer the information, and sometimes I am asked, but my answers are consistent: "I don't know how I am going to do it."
I would like to say that I have found a fountain of support for my predicament, but I have been mostly met with understated "I am sorry," chuckles of how silly I am being, or the ever present "she will do fine."
I know she will do fine, and I know that this isn't really about me. But, unfortunately I am human, and what happens around me, also happens to me.
And no one understands.
I know every hair on her head. I can tell you what she ate for breakfast and how many snacks she has asked for today.
But, I don't want to let her go...and no one understands.
I know every bruise on her body, every scar, every scrape.
But, I can't band aid my own heart...and no one understands.
I know how she likes her sandwiches made and cut. I know the answers to her silly jokes, and what she wants to watch for Family Movie Night.
But I have cried night after night....and no one understands.
I know her favorite foods, her favorite books, her favorite shows and movies.
But I have to let a stranger have her all day....and no one understands.
I have been there every minute of her life. I know her likes and pains and what makes her laugh and cry.
But, I have to put her on the bus.....and no one understands.
I taught her how to have a tea party, how to dress herself, how to brush her teeth. I taught her silly songs, how to count, and how to cut a straight line.
But, I have to hand over my teaching reigns...and no one understands.
No one knows the heartache that I can't help but feel. No one knows my tears, and how much I already miss her--and she isn't even gone yet. No one will know how empty this house will be and how lonely my days will be with out my sunshine. No one will know the worry I will feel each morning as I watch her climb the bus steps, and the relief I will feel when she climbs back down each afternoon. No one knows how close I am to my daughter and how she has never left my side. No one will know my undying love for her, and the pain that will come when I have to walk away from her for the first time, unsure of what lies ahead.
And, no one ever will.
So, as I head in to the next several days to get excited for her as she takes this next journey in her life, I will continue to paint on my smile, and cry in my pillow at night. I will worry, and hate the silence, and far from gracefully I will push on through the pain.
I am a good mommy, I am a devoted mommy, I am loving mommy, I am a fun mommy. And, I am mad at myself for letting so many well meaning "friends" make me doubt that.
I am Gracie's mommy, and I don't want to let go. But, I will....and I can cry if I want to.