Bah Hum Bug

Well, I am not that bad, but as I begrudgingly pulled out box after box of Christmas decorations from our small storage closet I started to realize that I dread this holiday each year.

Psychologist would probably tell you it is "grief," since I lost Lou at Christmas 4 years ago now--but after thinking that maybe that was my problem, I remembered that I have been dragging my feet for Christmas for many years before that.

Each year I watch as people put up their trees earlier and earlier. I get a Christmas card from someone by the first week in December. People get excited, and this year many many Facebook friends can't stop talking about the impending holiday.

But, like in year's past I am never ready for December.

I always seem to wait sometimes weeks in to this cold month to find the energy to get the decorations out. When I do hang the stockings and such I don't put on festive music or make a day out of it. In fact, yesterday I put the things up while Gracie was at school and Thomas was down for a nap. Not to surprise them, but so I could get it done without little hands "helping" me unwrap breakables.

There was absolutely nothing festive about the afternoon. And, to be honest, the only reason I put the things up was because I had pulled all of the boxes out to find the Fisher Price Nativity scene to take to the church party, and the boxes were getting on my nerves.

We MAY get a tree in a few weeks. This year we will wait later than in years past so there is less days of "Thomas, don't touch."

I don't hate Christmas. I so enjoy doing all of the fun family things with Gracie and watching her have so much fun. We remember the real reason for the season in our house, and we light an Advent candle each week.

I'm just never in hurry to get to Christmas, and I wait as long as possible before I "cave in" to it's inevitability.

After much internal debate and reflection I think there are a few factors that get me this way each year.

I don't want to get to Christmas, because Christmas is the end of the year. When the tree comes out another year is soon over, and that means another year with my small children is again behind me. Another 12 months of laughs and cries and firsts and growing is all over. They will be another year older in a few months, and time flies by as we start our "birthday season" just after the holidays.

And, with a family on a budget the worries aren't far behind when the holidays approach. There is planning for trips out of town, making sure that extras can be afforded like the tree and cookie making and gifts for the kids and others. ( I know I am not alone in this one. Any one with children and a budget knows what this is like, and it can dampen the Christmas spirit.)

While I find it hard to start the holiday, and the stress of making it all work can get to me quite often, I am sure that my children enjoy every day of this season. The excitement and magic and solemness of Christmas is wonderful to see through a child's eyes. I will plan crafts and activities and take millions of pictures and I will enjoy all of my time with family and friends.

I just have a hard time getting started. But, I will find the resolve at some point. Gracie and I will make cookies, we will get a tree and trim it with the millions of ornaments we have. I will find the time and stamps and send out Christmas cards. The kids will see Santa and leave a note for him. We will attend Christmas Eve services and Gracie will sing in the choir and I will probably cry. I will video the kids as they tear in to the living room on Christmas morning. And I will love the time I have shared with them.

But, next December will roll around and I will dread it once more. I will feel sorry for myself for a while, and move on to celebrating with my family.

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