Fall, In A Place Far Away
Just when I think I have become "well adjusted," I find myself coloring the leaves purple.
Fall is by far my most favorite season of the year. Garren loves Winter for the ice and snow, Gracie says she loves summer because of the beach and swimming, and Thomas isn't really sure about his favorite yet ;) But mommy loves fall. I have more fall decorations than I have Christmas. I can't pass up those oranges and golds and reds. Most of my clothes are fall season, and I come up with a million crafts and ideas and activities for this time of year.
It has always been a busy and exciting season for me, and that didn't change when we moved here. It was just a little less busy, and less exciting.
The ridiculous heat that lasted through the end of October had some to do with it. But really, thinking of all of the fall things the kids and I would be doing "if we were at home," got the better of me.
I was doing okay until the weekend when Ruth and George visited in mid-October. We of course were excited for their visit, and we had been to Strasburg the weekend before and had a great time picking apples. But when we had to say goodbye I thought about how long it would be before the kids and I saw them again.
This sadness was compounded by the fact that I promised the kids we would carve pumpkins that same night.
We always carved pumpkins with the Mozingo's and made it into a fun family night.
Let's just say the ball kept rolling. The next day was Sunday and I find myself dreading going to this new church. Not because there is anything wrong with the church--except it isn't the one that I belong to.
Several weeks later I find myself making leaf rubbings with the kids and coloring mine purple, and wishing that we were doing our craft in Strasburg.
I know many of you have to be just rolling your eyes at me still "whining" about this move 3 months later, but as hard as I am trying, I find myself (clearly) still struggling.
This is all new to me. Not just the new place and new house, but this pitiful sad woman routine. I was raised extremely independent. My father's motto was "if you want it done right, do it yourself." We didn't dare ask for help, we didn't lean on people, we didn't hug, we didn't say "I Love You" all the time. I had no problem going to college 6 hours away from home, I didn't even notice really that I came home from college 2-3 times a year--tops. I spent 2 of my summers working in Tennessee between semesters.
It doesn't mean we didn't love each other, we were just independent people. We didn't have an extended family that we were close to. It was just the four of us, and I inherited my father's work ethic and I poured myself in to my job and did 10 to 12 hour days and was very dedicated and determined.
Then we moved to Strasburg, and I had Gracie and my life changed. It changed a lot. But, I still wasn't close to people. I never needed people before, I didn't know how to need them, or to let them help me, or to be close to others. We didn't have friends and family in Strasburg, but my secluded life with Gracie wasn't really that different from the past 25 years. I had friends and co-workers and such, but I never saw those people outside of school or work. I didn't go out or socialize after hours--so I didn't think I was missing anything.
Years went by and somehow I started talking to our neighbor (one of the many we shared walls with), and slowly we became very good and dear friends. We watched each others daughter's grow up (far too quickly!) and we found time to do things together like tea parties, and bowling (by the way NEVER go bowling with Tom! ;), and pumpkin carving.
The Mozingo's were our only friends for many more years. It wasn't until it was time for Gracie to start preschool that I even associated with anyone outside of Colette, Tom & Mallory. Gracie and I stayed in that very small apartment day in and out.
When she started school, there was no way to avoid connecting with other people. Gracie made friends at school, we started taking her to church regularly, we met parents of school friends, and people in the church, she did Bible School, and then we did more and more and more things.
Most of our activities seemed to be with the church and school--so I wouldn't say we became social butterflies, but we started to get comfortable. Strasburg was a place we wanted to stay. It was no longer just a bump in the road of Garren's career.
Over the next 3 years we went from "comfortable" to "home." People we would meet would show us such amazing kindness and sincerity. Of course I had no idea what to do with this sort of action, but then there were more people, and more people--and I really started to like the feeling. It was something I can't ever remember having. Kind of like something missing--that I didn't even know I needed.
And then there was Ruth & George. We had met them, and saw them various time at church activities, but with her very outgoing personality, Ruth captured my daughter. Gracie was so very shy and took a very long time to warm up to people--but with Ruth she just attached herself. And when Thomas came along--he did the exact same thing.
So thanks to my kids, we now had friends, amazing little friends and their moms, wonderful and loving people in our lives, and now people that they found themselves so close to, they considered them family.
So, now maybe you can understand why I colored my leaves purple. I had something that was so warm and wonderful and felt like all of those Hallmark commercials I have watched (and cried over) for decades--and I had to leave it behind.
I would guess most people my age have moved countless times by now, and you probably got it out of your system when you left home for college--but I am just now dealing. And, I am not just sad for myself, I am sad for my kids. It took so long for me to share them, and then I did and I realized how wonderful that was too.
Garren, and many others keep saying "go make new friends." But, they don't realize that it took 6 years to get to where I was in Strasburg, I don't think I can be expected to ever duplicate that--and especially not in 3 months.
So, for now, my leaves will be purple. You will have to check back in on me next fall, and hopefully then I will have my red, and orange, and yellow crayons back out of the box. But until then, know that I can be sad from time to time, and I miss the people and the places and the closeness like crazy--but I am not holed up in a corner somewhere, I am not begging Garren to move us back, and I am not ignoring my kids or responsibilities around here. I will be fine, I will just complain to all of you blog readers, and be little more weepy than usual. But, I doubt you'd notice. ;)
Fall is by far my most favorite season of the year. Garren loves Winter for the ice and snow, Gracie says she loves summer because of the beach and swimming, and Thomas isn't really sure about his favorite yet ;) But mommy loves fall. I have more fall decorations than I have Christmas. I can't pass up those oranges and golds and reds. Most of my clothes are fall season, and I come up with a million crafts and ideas and activities for this time of year.
It has always been a busy and exciting season for me, and that didn't change when we moved here. It was just a little less busy, and less exciting.
The ridiculous heat that lasted through the end of October had some to do with it. But really, thinking of all of the fall things the kids and I would be doing "if we were at home," got the better of me.
I was doing okay until the weekend when Ruth and George visited in mid-October. We of course were excited for their visit, and we had been to Strasburg the weekend before and had a great time picking apples. But when we had to say goodbye I thought about how long it would be before the kids and I saw them again.
This sadness was compounded by the fact that I promised the kids we would carve pumpkins that same night.
We always carved pumpkins with the Mozingo's and made it into a fun family night.
Let's just say the ball kept rolling. The next day was Sunday and I find myself dreading going to this new church. Not because there is anything wrong with the church--except it isn't the one that I belong to.
Several weeks later I find myself making leaf rubbings with the kids and coloring mine purple, and wishing that we were doing our craft in Strasburg.
I know many of you have to be just rolling your eyes at me still "whining" about this move 3 months later, but as hard as I am trying, I find myself (clearly) still struggling.
This is all new to me. Not just the new place and new house, but this pitiful sad woman routine. I was raised extremely independent. My father's motto was "if you want it done right, do it yourself." We didn't dare ask for help, we didn't lean on people, we didn't hug, we didn't say "I Love You" all the time. I had no problem going to college 6 hours away from home, I didn't even notice really that I came home from college 2-3 times a year--tops. I spent 2 of my summers working in Tennessee between semesters.
It doesn't mean we didn't love each other, we were just independent people. We didn't have an extended family that we were close to. It was just the four of us, and I inherited my father's work ethic and I poured myself in to my job and did 10 to 12 hour days and was very dedicated and determined.
Then we moved to Strasburg, and I had Gracie and my life changed. It changed a lot. But, I still wasn't close to people. I never needed people before, I didn't know how to need them, or to let them help me, or to be close to others. We didn't have friends and family in Strasburg, but my secluded life with Gracie wasn't really that different from the past 25 years. I had friends and co-workers and such, but I never saw those people outside of school or work. I didn't go out or socialize after hours--so I didn't think I was missing anything.
Years went by and somehow I started talking to our neighbor (one of the many we shared walls with), and slowly we became very good and dear friends. We watched each others daughter's grow up (far too quickly!) and we found time to do things together like tea parties, and bowling (by the way NEVER go bowling with Tom! ;), and pumpkin carving.
The Mozingo's were our only friends for many more years. It wasn't until it was time for Gracie to start preschool that I even associated with anyone outside of Colette, Tom & Mallory. Gracie and I stayed in that very small apartment day in and out.
When she started school, there was no way to avoid connecting with other people. Gracie made friends at school, we started taking her to church regularly, we met parents of school friends, and people in the church, she did Bible School, and then we did more and more and more things.
Most of our activities seemed to be with the church and school--so I wouldn't say we became social butterflies, but we started to get comfortable. Strasburg was a place we wanted to stay. It was no longer just a bump in the road of Garren's career.
Over the next 3 years we went from "comfortable" to "home." People we would meet would show us such amazing kindness and sincerity. Of course I had no idea what to do with this sort of action, but then there were more people, and more people--and I really started to like the feeling. It was something I can't ever remember having. Kind of like something missing--that I didn't even know I needed.
And then there was Ruth & George. We had met them, and saw them various time at church activities, but with her very outgoing personality, Ruth captured my daughter. Gracie was so very shy and took a very long time to warm up to people--but with Ruth she just attached herself. And when Thomas came along--he did the exact same thing.
So thanks to my kids, we now had friends, amazing little friends and their moms, wonderful and loving people in our lives, and now people that they found themselves so close to, they considered them family.
So, now maybe you can understand why I colored my leaves purple. I had something that was so warm and wonderful and felt like all of those Hallmark commercials I have watched (and cried over) for decades--and I had to leave it behind.
I would guess most people my age have moved countless times by now, and you probably got it out of your system when you left home for college--but I am just now dealing. And, I am not just sad for myself, I am sad for my kids. It took so long for me to share them, and then I did and I realized how wonderful that was too.
Garren, and many others keep saying "go make new friends." But, they don't realize that it took 6 years to get to where I was in Strasburg, I don't think I can be expected to ever duplicate that--and especially not in 3 months.
So, for now, my leaves will be purple. You will have to check back in on me next fall, and hopefully then I will have my red, and orange, and yellow crayons back out of the box. But until then, know that I can be sad from time to time, and I miss the people and the places and the closeness like crazy--but I am not holed up in a corner somewhere, I am not begging Garren to move us back, and I am not ignoring my kids or responsibilities around here. I will be fine, I will just complain to all of you blog readers, and be little more weepy than usual. But, I doubt you'd notice. ;)
I would still be whining too. I can't imagine. There are some people that I would LOVE to run and get away from. I am very outgoing, but I have learned over the years to be careful who you trust. Be careful who I let inside my little bubble. So, yes, I do understand why you don't just run out and start finding random people to become friends with.
ReplyDeleteI don't even where to start. I'm just glad that you let us in. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it!
ReplyDeleteI don't even KNOW where to start. I hate when I do that!!!
ReplyDelete