Baby Envy

Several months ago a high school friend of mine announced that she was going to have a baby. Instead of being overjoyed that my friend was going to be a mom and could share the wonders of a precious new life, the news hit me like a brick wall. Why on earth couldn't I celebrate for this woman? It took me several days to finally admit the reason was envy. She was pregnant and I wasn't. Seems silly, I guess. After all, I already have a wonderful daughter that lights up my world. But she was pregnant and I wasn't. I have a happy family and my life is full. But she was pregnant and I wasn't.
My husband and I have frequently talked about having another baby. In fact, we were so full of love after baby Gracie, that we talked about the "children" we would have over the years. But it was all talk, for now anyway. We both know that this apartment is too small. Our hearts have plenty of room, but babies need space and all sorts of expensive things. Things we can't afford right now.

I remember crying that night after reading my friends email. Wanting so much what she had. That exciting feeling as you get ready for a baby. Waiting anxiously for the heartbeat and first ultrasound. When I was pregnant, I was a complete wreck. We had waited, and waited hoping that this month would be the one where we finally got pregnant. But somehow my hormones kicked into over-drive and I was the most depressed pregnant lady! I laugh about it now. But, I miss being pregnant. Many women who have children will likely tell you the same thing. When they are inside you, you can keep them safe and warm and they need you for everything. There is nothing like being needed.

I still have baby envy issues. My neighbor is pregnant as well, and there are times I puddle up as she talks about her sonogram or decorating the nursery or buying clothes. However, I am so happy for both of these women, my heart overflows with the thought of what wonderful mothers they will be. I only hope that they both will someday understand what I am going through. When you have a child and it blesses your home and life so much--you want to fill that same home and heart with a hundred more.

I am working hard to concentrate on my life now, not how I want it to be, or how it should be--but how wonderful it is now. I miss the calls and emails and showering of praise over my daughter after she was born. But it time for others to be showered over, and I will help the praise rain forth. I celebrate the pregnancies of my two friends and will cry for joy as each gives birth and will patiently wait until it is my turn and we can all celebrate again.

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