Instinct-less
I used to be really good at this mommy thing. Not great, not super, but pretty good.
I am not a panicker, I am not a spanker, I am not a shouter, I am not a loose-control-kind-of-mom, and I have never told my children to shut up.
And, I am still that kind of mom, but I seem to have lost my way.
I find it hard to function as a mother of two. I am constantly in a haze. I am disorganized and forgetful. I find it hard to concentrate in busy situations and I get frazzled at the drop of a hat.
I am not sure if it is having two kids, or being old--but I am sure it's not them, it's me.
I was telling Garren a few weeks ago that I just haven't felt like myself since I was pregnant with my now 10 month old Thomas. And, I don't mean just physically, I mean mentally.
Can you forget how to be a parent to an infant?
My father insists that since he has had two children of his own he "knows what he is doing." And, I figured that it would be like riding a bike all over again.
I find myself so frazzled (not upset, just "lost") that I can't or don't trust my instincts any more. Like today.
Thomas has been super (and I mean SUPER) fussy for a few days now. He has also developed a rash on his cheeks (not from the cold), he has a low grade fever, and in the past 24 hours I can't get him to eat and he is pulling hard at his ear.
With Gracie I would have waited it out a little longer, given her some Tylenol and worked on soothing her. But, since Gracie had an ear infection last week I was sure that he had one too. I called the pediatrician and they let me come right over. He doesn't have an ear infection, and they were sure to make me feel like as much of an idiot as I felt.
I really don't know what I am doing any more.
I am really having a hard time lately, and it is showing in my blog posts and Facebook accounts.
So, while I attempt to explain what is going on, I will also apologize for being such a "downer" and a "drama queen" lately.
Thankfully my children are young enough not to be scared by my...hmmm...lack of skills lately. And, I am thankful that they have two parents, so the other can step in as I continue to lose my mind.
I doubt I am the only mother who has ever felt this way--but since I have always prided myself on my mothering skills with Gracie, this is taking a HUGE toll on me, and my self esteem. Being a mother is the top of my priority list. It IS my job, and like any one else who is failing at their job--I feel like I am failing to.
So, there is nothing more to do than pick myself up and try again. And, I continue to do that day to day, week to week, month to month. And in the meantime, I will try and keep my negative "energy" off the world wide web.
And, rest assured that if my children aren't getting the appropriate amount of "doting" from their frazzled mother, there are a few people I can think of who will swoop in and give them some extra.
I guess now I know what life was like for all those mom's who hated me for "having it all together" when it was just Gracie and I. I don't like it--and to those of you who may have doubted it--I am human too, and I am very much feeling it today!
I am not a panicker, I am not a spanker, I am not a shouter, I am not a loose-control-kind-of-mom, and I have never told my children to shut up.
And, I am still that kind of mom, but I seem to have lost my way.
I find it hard to function as a mother of two. I am constantly in a haze. I am disorganized and forgetful. I find it hard to concentrate in busy situations and I get frazzled at the drop of a hat.
I am not sure if it is having two kids, or being old--but I am sure it's not them, it's me.
I was telling Garren a few weeks ago that I just haven't felt like myself since I was pregnant with my now 10 month old Thomas. And, I don't mean just physically, I mean mentally.
Can you forget how to be a parent to an infant?
My father insists that since he has had two children of his own he "knows what he is doing." And, I figured that it would be like riding a bike all over again.
I find myself so frazzled (not upset, just "lost") that I can't or don't trust my instincts any more. Like today.
Thomas has been super (and I mean SUPER) fussy for a few days now. He has also developed a rash on his cheeks (not from the cold), he has a low grade fever, and in the past 24 hours I can't get him to eat and he is pulling hard at his ear.
With Gracie I would have waited it out a little longer, given her some Tylenol and worked on soothing her. But, since Gracie had an ear infection last week I was sure that he had one too. I called the pediatrician and they let me come right over. He doesn't have an ear infection, and they were sure to make me feel like as much of an idiot as I felt.
I really don't know what I am doing any more.
I am really having a hard time lately, and it is showing in my blog posts and Facebook accounts.
So, while I attempt to explain what is going on, I will also apologize for being such a "downer" and a "drama queen" lately.
Thankfully my children are young enough not to be scared by my...hmmm...lack of skills lately. And, I am thankful that they have two parents, so the other can step in as I continue to lose my mind.
I doubt I am the only mother who has ever felt this way--but since I have always prided myself on my mothering skills with Gracie, this is taking a HUGE toll on me, and my self esteem. Being a mother is the top of my priority list. It IS my job, and like any one else who is failing at their job--I feel like I am failing to.
So, there is nothing more to do than pick myself up and try again. And, I continue to do that day to day, week to week, month to month. And in the meantime, I will try and keep my negative "energy" off the world wide web.
And, rest assured that if my children aren't getting the appropriate amount of "doting" from their frazzled mother, there are a few people I can think of who will swoop in and give them some extra.
I guess now I know what life was like for all those mom's who hated me for "having it all together" when it was just Gracie and I. I don't like it--and to those of you who may have doubted it--I am human too, and I am very much feeling it today!
Barbara, you are without exception, the best mother I have ever seen and parenting two children is much harder than parenting one. Your attentions, energy and patience all have to be doubled and you are only human and can only do so much. Don't be so hard on yourself. Relax and cut yourself some slack. Enjoy your family and don't feel like you have to be perfect all the time. You are perfect in Thomas and Gracie's eyes already. Loving them unconditionally is all that is needed to be a good parent and you've got that covered, hands down! We love you and are so proud of you. Our grandchildren could have looked the world over and never found a better mother than you!
ReplyDeletei suck the whole first year after each of my kids.. i cant get it togther and feel horrible... it passes... and if it doenst, get your tyroid checked... trust me;-)
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