A Decade
You know there are days when it seems like we have been married for 20 years, and days when it seems like we were born married and our lives never even existed outside of each other.
I guess that is a good thing.
If you know us well, or really at all; you will know we aren't the smushy-mushy kind of couple. We don't hold hands and kiss in public. We are very reserved about our affection. But it works for us, and time has been the true testimony.
Now, for those of you who had "one year" in the pool for our divorce--ha! And for those of you who decided to be risky and go with "5 years"--ha ha! And to those of you who wonder how in the world we made it this far...well, I guess you may have a point there.
Garren and I joke that we haven't divorced yet because we have too much stuff and neither of us wants to move it. We also laugh that our marriage must be okay since neither has killed the other.
But, the truth is, we wouldn't have lasted this long without a whole lot of love.
I am no expert on any subject, but as we reach this decade of "wedded bliss," perhaps we have some knowledge that may help our kids one day.
First of all, don't believe in "wedded bliss." This will get you every time. There is no such thing as "happily ever after." You don't just get married and then the romantic story ends. Come to that conclusion now and you will save yourselves some heartache. It will not all be wine and roses. You will fight, you will disagree, you may even think about leaving. There is a reason the Grim Brothers decided to put the "the end" after the wedding. Odds are they were married themselves.
Second: Do NOT compare yourselves to other married couples ESPECIALLY your parents! You are not, and should not, try and do things exactly as they did it--or more importantly expect your spouse to behave/respond the same way they did. Because, you are not exactly like them, and neither is your spouse. This leaves you both with expectations that you can not hope to reach, and when you fall on your behind trying to reach them, you will fall hard.
Third: Talk to him, talk to her. About everything, about nothing, about the weather--it doesn't matter. I hate the term "communication" when they talk about it being the key to marriage--just because it sounds like a text book. But they are right. When you stop talking, you inch yourselves away from each other little by little, and you will have to fight to get those inches back. I remember someone telling me "never go to bed angry," and I wish to heaven that I had followed that advice. Talking and sharing are what made you want to get married in the first place, and it will be what makes you want to stay married.
Fourth: Know from the start that you are both going to change, and you are both going to have to work at being married. People grow and change--it is a fact of life. You can not expect your husband or wife to be the same person you married 2, 5,...10 years from now. And to keep from being so alarmed years down the road at the person they are no longer resembling, you are going to have to work--and I mean hard--at staying together and being happy that you stayed together. You can't just put on the rings and be done. You will have to make changes together--small ones, big ones, ones you didn't even see coming. You have to listen to her, you have to listen to him!
And last (for this list anyway): Fight like crazy for him or her. Don't let stupid things get in the way. Don't let your anger, or your pride, or your big mouth make such a distance that you don't think it is worth it to erase it. Find the reason you married them, and then remember that it is worth fighting for.
Okay, so all of these things seem "common knowledge-eque." But I was young and newly married once and I didn't listen. And I was not so young once and married for a few years, and I still didn't listen.
So, perhaps my "wisdom" will help some poor soul. But, I hope that like us, even if you don't listen to sound advice and you find your own way to do it--you also find your own way to fight to stay together...and you too live to tell about it 10 years later.
For those of you there at the beginning, and for those of you there now--we thank you for being apart in some way of our now ten years together.
And....
Thank you mom for the card and the phone call. And thanks to you Candice for the phone call of congrats as well. And a big thanks to the almost 20 Facebook friends (i.e non obligated people :) who were so sweet to wish us well And thank you Garren for the 6 dozen roses. They are beautiful!
I guess that is a good thing.
If you know us well, or really at all; you will know we aren't the smushy-mushy kind of couple. We don't hold hands and kiss in public. We are very reserved about our affection. But it works for us, and time has been the true testimony.
Now, for those of you who had "one year" in the pool for our divorce--ha! And for those of you who decided to be risky and go with "5 years"--ha ha! And to those of you who wonder how in the world we made it this far...well, I guess you may have a point there.
Garren and I joke that we haven't divorced yet because we have too much stuff and neither of us wants to move it. We also laugh that our marriage must be okay since neither has killed the other.
But, the truth is, we wouldn't have lasted this long without a whole lot of love.
I am no expert on any subject, but as we reach this decade of "wedded bliss," perhaps we have some knowledge that may help our kids one day.
First of all, don't believe in "wedded bliss." This will get you every time. There is no such thing as "happily ever after." You don't just get married and then the romantic story ends. Come to that conclusion now and you will save yourselves some heartache. It will not all be wine and roses. You will fight, you will disagree, you may even think about leaving. There is a reason the Grim Brothers decided to put the "the end" after the wedding. Odds are they were married themselves.
Second: Do NOT compare yourselves to other married couples ESPECIALLY your parents! You are not, and should not, try and do things exactly as they did it--or more importantly expect your spouse to behave/respond the same way they did. Because, you are not exactly like them, and neither is your spouse. This leaves you both with expectations that you can not hope to reach, and when you fall on your behind trying to reach them, you will fall hard.
Third: Talk to him, talk to her. About everything, about nothing, about the weather--it doesn't matter. I hate the term "communication" when they talk about it being the key to marriage--just because it sounds like a text book. But they are right. When you stop talking, you inch yourselves away from each other little by little, and you will have to fight to get those inches back. I remember someone telling me "never go to bed angry," and I wish to heaven that I had followed that advice. Talking and sharing are what made you want to get married in the first place, and it will be what makes you want to stay married.
Fourth: Know from the start that you are both going to change, and you are both going to have to work at being married. People grow and change--it is a fact of life. You can not expect your husband or wife to be the same person you married 2, 5,...10 years from now. And to keep from being so alarmed years down the road at the person they are no longer resembling, you are going to have to work--and I mean hard--at staying together and being happy that you stayed together. You can't just put on the rings and be done. You will have to make changes together--small ones, big ones, ones you didn't even see coming. You have to listen to her, you have to listen to him!
And last (for this list anyway): Fight like crazy for him or her. Don't let stupid things get in the way. Don't let your anger, or your pride, or your big mouth make such a distance that you don't think it is worth it to erase it. Find the reason you married them, and then remember that it is worth fighting for.
Okay, so all of these things seem "common knowledge-eque." But I was young and newly married once and I didn't listen. And I was not so young once and married for a few years, and I still didn't listen.
So, perhaps my "wisdom" will help some poor soul. But, I hope that like us, even if you don't listen to sound advice and you find your own way to do it--you also find your own way to fight to stay together...and you too live to tell about it 10 years later.
For those of you there at the beginning, and for those of you there now--we thank you for being apart in some way of our now ten years together.
And....
Thank you mom for the card and the phone call. And thanks to you Candice for the phone call of congrats as well. And a big thanks to the almost 20 Facebook friends (i.e non obligated people :) who were so sweet to wish us well And thank you Garren for the 6 dozen roses. They are beautiful!
Following the sound advice in this post, we have no doubt that you and Garren will celebrate 5o years together! It has been a joy to watch you both grow in love and build your precious family. May God's richest blessings be with you now and always.
ReplyDeleteCongrats you two! I remember your lovely wedding and the fun trip we had.
ReplyDeleteYou should really write a column for a newspaper or magazine. Though it was all common knowledge, as you said, you put it so well. It is always a great reminder and good to hear from someone else that marriage is worth working for.
ReplyDelete