Guilt

It's been a rough week. A week of tears and worries and stress and sleepless nights and headaches.

This picture was taken Tuesday morning as the kids climbed on the bus.  This was the morning after my little boy realized that life as he knew it was not going to be the same.

Thomas has known for several weeks now that Daddy got a new job and that he would be working in the playroom most of the week and driving to his new office two times a week 2 hours away.

On Sunday, he realized that would mean we would have to move. 

In church Sunday, a member started talking to the congregation about volunteering and gearing up for Bible School. On the ride home Gracie wanted to know if I was going to do it again this year.  When I told her "no," she wanted to know why, and so did Thomas. I had to explain that we would be moving in June and we couldn't do Bible School.  This was Thomas' first mental connection to new job and a new house.  We talked to him all the way home about the move and a new school and a new place to live in a new city.  He took it rather well, and in my heart I knew he didn't fully understand everything despite him arguing that he did.

Monday evening while daddy was at his new office, the kids and I were eating dinner-- Thomas replied "I can't believe I am almost a 1st grader!"  I took the opportunity to reassure him again about his new school where he would be a first grader and meeting new friends and getting a new teacher.

That's when he asked "what teacher will Bryce get when he moves?"

I had to tell him Bryce wasn't moving with us.

No wonder he had taken it so well Sunday, he figured his whole world was moving with him including his best friend Bryce.

Thomas lost it. He has a meltdown right there mid-chicken bite. He moved over to me and dropped his whole body on mine. I held him and comforted him without words. There was nothing I could say except "I know, it's okay."  I couldn't make this pain disappear with anything I could physically do.  And, his pain moved from his body into mine. My heart hurt. My child was in emotional pain and I couldn't fix it.  And, I couldn't hold back my tears.

After a million sobs, he asked to go to his room.  Gracie and I continued to eat our dinner. Well, more like push the food around on our plates and gave him space.

I posted this heartache on Facebook, and the mom from up the street decided to take this opportunity to let her Kindergartener know that we were moving.  She texted me a short while later to let me know her daughter was in absolute tears. She was so distraught and could not be calmed.

Everyone seems to be finding out in waves. The ladies at the front office at school asked me about Thomas and the move Tuesday morning. Mrs. Naff has already been heart broken since she found out a few weeks ago.  Thomas has been telling the kids in his class this week, and last night after leaving Bryce's church, he told me "I'm going to miss Chase."

I'm sorry.

That's all I can say, that's all I feel--and the feeling of "sorry" is overwhelming.

I'm sorry Cheyenne that Gracie and Thomas won't be at the bus stop next year, and that you can't come over to house to play after school.

I'm sorry Mrs. Naff that you had to remind me that you still love and look after "your kids" even wen they finish Kindergarten and getting to keep him through the school year is not enough.

I'm sorry Keri that I won't be here to be a backup little girl snuggler/keeper on days when you need me.

I'm sorry Mrs. Jo that you won't see my kids on Sunday mornings, and we can't be thrift store buddies any more.

I'm sorry Mrs. Joyner that you won't get Thomas in 2nd or 3rd grade. I know you wanted him as much as he couldn't wait to have you.

I'm sorry Cindy that you'll have to find someone else to take over the kids clothes closet. You entrusted me with that job, and I loved giving something back.

I'm sorry Jennifer that I can't do Bible School this year. I may not have had a huge roll in it, but I was a warm body and I helped in anyway I could.

I'm sorry Bryce that I am taking Thomas away from you. I am sorry that I made you sad and that you are going to miss him. I'm sorry he won't be in your school or your class anymore. You are his first best friend and his best buddy.

I'm sorry Grace that I made your son cry, and your son crying and hurting hurt you. I am so sorry that you will have to send him to school next year without Thomas.

This wasn't our plan, but as we must remind ourselves in all stages of life and all ups and downs: this is all apart of God's plan, and we have to abide and be faithful.  It doesn't negate all the less than excited feelings we have, but it is what we have to do.

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