Not Ashamed Of My Tears

Last night the hot tears began streaming down my face. The day was done and I had everything ready for this morning. The lights were off and I was in bed. 

I guess in the silence I had a chance to really process what had occurred this day. The momentous steps both my children and I took.  Not that I hadn't been recognizing them for weeks and months, but it was real, and fresh, and permanent now.

I didn't stop the tears. I had been choking them back all day.  No one was watching or listening now, I could quietly weep all I wanted. And, I did, until I fell asleep in sheer emotional and physical exhaustion.

Yesterday was made easier by all the comments and the emails and lunch date with a friend, and the chance run in with the pastor's wife, and a snuggle from a willing 2 year old.

But, that won't happen every day.

I had already realized some time yesterday afternoon that today might actually be harder.  I won't have so much to consume my day like perfect outfits, and picture opportunities and a lunch date and blogging.  Today the real "lonely" happens.

The house is empty, but I can't bare the silence. The TV is on and my Golden Girls are in the distance while I type.  It is overcast and ready to rain at any moment making it all seem so much sadder.

Now, before anyone starts calling in preventive strikes thinking I will become depressed, I will tell you that I will find things to fill my time.  I think this might be a good chance in my life to do all those things I couldn't do with kids at home, like volunteering at church or the kids school, or helping other moms in some capactity.

But for now, I am not stopping the tears from flowing. I am not ashamed of them.  I earned them. They stem from ten and a half years of love.

You see I cry because I miss them, and I miss them because they were my job, my sole purpose on this earth for more than 10 years. I had the privilege to stay at home and care for them and teach them and nurture them.  They literally consumed my entire days and entire nights (especially since I never let anyone else take them or care for them in those 10 years).  

I cry because I don't know what they are doing. I know they are safe. I know they are learning and meeting new people and gaining life skills. I know they need this. I know it is apart of life, and I know I can't and shouldn't stop it.  But, I am not there.  For the first time in his life I am not there to see what he is doing, how he is learning, who he is with. Those parents who work went through this around 6 months of their child's age, maybe older, maybe younger--but I am just now going through it without distraction. (When I went through this with Gracie and Kindergarten I had an infant to care for that made the worry and wonder subside at least a small fraction)  I selfishly collected 5 and half years of firsts and moments and adventures and questions and answers, and now I have to hand over that front row seat, and it is hard.

I cry because I have no idea what my life is now.  I feel like I am unemployed. I am not and I have to actively remind myself that I am still a mom.  It is too easy to feel like motherhood is over for me, and it isn't.  But, that doesn't stop that doubt from creeping in.  They were my full-time job, and it was a job I loved more than any other I ever had, one I worked harder at than any other, and one I put my whole heart in to.  And, now that full-time job is over, and I have to find a way to have a purpose again.  I can't imagine any thing that could fill my days being as wonderful as what I had, no "job" more sweet than "mommy."

I cry because life is moving too fast.  I can't help that, I can't stop that, but I am a mom and woman, and frankly watching your kids move farther and farther away from you is enough to make any of our gender cry.  You can accept God's grand design and still feel the all too human emotions that go along with the anxiety of "where has the time gone."

I cry because now life will move even faster.  If you have children in school you will likely understand that days and weeks fly by in a blink.  They are gone all day and whether you work or find other ways to fill your time, the hustle and bustle and schedule of school makes time go faster.  They won't be around anymore to make the days feel "long."  They will be gone all day and I will lose out on small moments and quiet time and simple conversations about bugs or sand or cars.  Those things that make life stop for a moment or moments, and make you breathe in slowly and take it all in and savor it.

I cry because I love them, and they love me. And when you are a mom you can and will love that much and that hard.

So, I will not be ashamed of my tears, I will let them flow when needed.  But, I will find away to pull myself together too.

The loss and feelings are all fresh.  In the coming days and weeks I will fill my days to stay busy, and with God's help after that I will fill them with purpose.  A real purpose. Something that will never ever replace full time motherhood, but something that will let me know that life is not over because they are gone, and that there is something(s) out there that will make me feel useful and needed. Something to do more than fill a void, maybe something that will make me happy again.

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